para pencariMu.

Visited a family friend of mak whose limb got amputated due to diabetes today. Made me realise I have more than what other people do. How I always have things to be grateful of despite all others that made me barely able to breathe. Just pounding me with reminders that everything is from Allah and He’s the One I should return all that I have including this feeling. Everything back to Allah and nothing left out.

I once hope Allah tests me so that I can feel my existence in this path, some kind of proof that I’m not self-centred and to feel belong to the siratal mustaqeem. Just so that I have something that can make me closer to Allah. Now that I’m into the situation, I don’t know if I could ever make it through. 

People rarely see me at my lowest point of life, crushed to my senses and emotions, feeling almost helpless and lost in sorrow. I still cry in silence, alone out of public. I still easily get over-thinking. But to an extent, I feel numb. At times, I’m unsure whether this is really ikhlas and redha or I actually gave up and desensitised by all the trials and tribulations.

Alhamdulillah at other times I always get subtle reminders from Him, the Most Beloved and the Most Merciful. I turned on the radio and I heard the song rhapsodising our Palestinian brothers and sisters that will never give up upon the siege and everything that I know far worse than what I feel and experience now. Somehow telling me not to lose hope and keep on fighting until the end. Until it is clearly the end.

I will try to do my very best, to my very last drop of blood, sweat and tears. As I say I seek for Him, His mardhatillah, seek for a better life here and the hereafter, hence here I go. Bismillah..





Menjalani hitam putih hidupku
Membuatku mengerti
Erti hadirMu dalam
Setiap langkah-langkahku bererti

Melewati setiap detik waktuku
Bersama takdirMu
Membuatku mengerti
Hanyalah padaMu ku kembali

Ku bersujud kepadaMu memohon ampunanMu
Adakah jalan untukku untuk kembali padaMu

Akulah para pencariMu Ya Allah
Akulah yang merindukanMu Ya rabbi
Tunjukkanku jalan yang lurus
Untuk kutambatkan langkahku

Akulah para pencariMu Ya Alah
Akulah yang merindukanMu Ya rabbi
Hanya di jalanMu Ya Allah
Tempatku pasrahkan hidupku

(Ungu, 2007)