Give up.

According to the Cambridge English Dictionary, to give up is to stop trying to do something before you have finished.

Now the keywords here are 'stop trying' and 'finished'. Can something be finished when it is not even started? Can we stop trying when we don't even started to try? Can we really give up on the things that are not there at the first place?

I had this argument with my inner self for quite some time. Should I allow myself to give up when I don't even have the thing to begin with? Is it okay to not wanting to start a certain thing when I know I'll fight to the very end once I make the first move? How do I justify my actions? Does everything needs explanation? Is everything I do should be acceptable?

Yesterday, someone very dear to me asked me to join her in her future PhD journey. We rarely meet but she is among the people I can talk to a lot about certain things. Even the things that I don't tell my parents nor my bestfriends. For whatever reason, I find it easy to open up to her and articulate my thoughts. So I really appreciate her reaching out to me especially it is the matter concerning her future.

PhD.

I knew I wanted to do a doctor of philosophy degree when I started my bachelor degree. It was as clear as day that I wanted to be an educator (my parents are my inspiration) and a scientist (due to my love for lab and research works). I wanted to be a lecturer and hence, PhD was in the picture. I planned my route, I wrote my timeline. A detailed one.

But little did I know my passion can somehow disappear into thin air. It's that simple and I cannot elaborate more. Sometimes I think it's because of my bumpy master degree journey that might have been traumatic without me knowing it. Some other time, I think I'm just not passionate enough. Every now and then I try to identify the reason, I try to find any motivation but in the end I'm still clueless.

So I decided to let it go. I did not want to do things because people told me to go with the flow. I want to do things because I know I want them then I'll be able to take full responsibility in everything that I do without blaming other people. In 2017, I declined the PhD offer from my most respected lecturer. It was a though year and I had to bear all the consequences from making the decision.

I am now in a very different world from what I dreamt before. I didn't start the journey of PhD so I'm not able to give that up. Since I've started this different journey, which is also not easy, I'll tell myself again and again to not give up. May Allah shower us with strength, perseverance, resilience and total reliance on Him through whatever that we are facing at the moment. Ameen3.

P/s: we often think that we need courage to keep on going but we should be aware that it takes courage to give up too :)